


The Bostonian

by roseisreturning



Category: Frasier (TV)
Genre: F/F, Screenplay/Script Format, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-27 07:58:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17762846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseisreturning/pseuds/roseisreturning
Summary: A member of the Crane household unexpectedly grows closer to Lilith. Meanwhile, Roz pursues a woman she has never met. Episode script discovered among ruins but presumably intended to have aired ca. 1998.





	The Bostonian

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to @astronoughts for the screenplay skin! For the intended experience (and easier reading), please select "Show Creator's Style."
> 
> In the spirit of _Frasier_ , I've made a few jokes a bit on the obscure and/or pretentious side. I've included footnotes that clarify the origin of these jokes where I think it may be unclear.

## 

FRASIER  
"The Bostonian"[1]

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

BOTH ON EDGE, FRASIER AND DAPHNE TALK OF LILITH'S COMING VISIT. DAPHNE PACES, MAKING SMALL ADJUSTMENTS TO THE POSITIONING OF FRASIER'S TRINKETS AS SHE SPEAKS.

DAPHNE

You know, I never understand why she finds so many excuses to come here, anyway.

FRASIER

Well, I suppose old friends don't always need an excuse.

DAPHNE

Old friends? The two of you?

FRASIER

Something like it. Difficult to call it an old flame with one party so cold.

DAPHNE

Suppose so. Then, hard to call it friendship, the way you --

DAPHNE'S SHOULDERS TENSE, AND SHE REACHES FOR HER PURSE. 

DAPHNE

Oh, well, I should really be going.

FRASIER

Your headache's gotten worse, hasn't it?

DAPHNE

A bit of a draft, too, so if you don't mind --

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE HALLWAY, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.

INT. HALLWAY OF FRASIER'S BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

THE ELEVATOR DOORS PART, REVEALING LILITH, DRESSED IN A MEN'S SUIT, BEARING UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO ONE THAT MIGHT BELONG TO NILES. TOO HURRIED TO NOTICE, DAPHNE RUSHES TO ENTER THE ELEVATOR AND COLLIDES WITH LILITH. INSTANTLY, DAPHNE COLLAPSES FROM THE CONTACT AND IS LEFT LIMP IN LILITH’S ARMS. STRUGGLING TO SUPPORT HER, LILITH REACHES OUT AN ARM AND KNOCKS AWKWARDLY AT THE APARTMENT DOOR, THEN TENDS TO DAPHNE. AFTER SOME DELAY, FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR AND IS AGHAST AT THE SIGHT BEFORE HIM.

FRASIER

Hello.

HE DOES NOT MOVE FROM THE DOORWAY BUT LOOKS ACCUSINGLY AT LILITH.

LILITH

Hello, Frasier.

FRASIER

What did you do?

LILITH

A minor collision. Your father's physical therapist was not so hardy as I remembered.

FRASIER

I can see what you did.

LILITH

I would ask what you hoped to achieve with that question, but you may notice my present situation.

FRASIER

Of course, of course, just... Let me...

FRASIER EXITS TO THE LIVING ROOM, LEAVING LILITH AND THE RECOVERING DAPHNE ALONE. LILITH KNEELS AND UNBUTTONS THE TOP BUTTON OF DAPHNE'S COLLAR. DAPHNE REACTS. 

LILITH

I suppose you'll be using this as more reason to avoid my company.

DAPHNE STARTS TO PROTEST.

LILITH (CONT'D)

Please, spare me your kindness.

FRASIER, CARRYING CUSHIONS AND A COLD COMPRESS, RETURNS BEFORE DAPHNE CAN REPLY.

LILITH (CONT'D)

I have to thank you for your chivalry. I've become accustomed to performing such acts myself, and I have the greatest sympathy for how exhausted you must feel.

FRASIER

Yes, very amusing. Well, it may not seem like anything to -- with you having done so much, of course -- but I'd remind you that these cushions are --

LILITH

Before you further embarrass yourself with this labyrinthine attempt at wit, it may interest you to know that I was serious.

FRASIER

You were?

LILITH

Indeed. Please, I'll keep an eye on Daphne. You may wish take a moment to yourself? A drink, perhaps?

FRASIER

Well, yes, I would.

FRASIER EXITS, AND LILITH TURNS HER ATTENTION TO DAPHNE ONCE MORE.

DAPHNE

What was it we were saying?

LILITH 

You were about to agree that using politeness in an attempt to appease me is unlikely to bring about the intended effect.

DAPHNE

All right, then. I was rushing out, suppose you know why that was.

LILITH

You intended to avoid me, I presume.

DAPHNE

Something like that.

LILITH

You didn't go with Martin.

DAPHNE

I have got a life outside of work, you know.

LILITH

Of course. I merely wonder why you might be so choosy with your excuses.

DAPHNE

Dr. Crane hasn't told you, then? He's out the whole week -- something with Duke in that van of his.

LILITH

How charming. Please, express my regret at having missed the opportunity to visit.

DAPHNE

Oh, I'm sure it's all right.

LILITH

Of course. I imagine the trip was planned shortly after my own. I do, however, wish to give you my apologies. Would I be able to buy you coffee this afternoon?

DAPHNE

Coffee?

LILITH

Yes. A gesture of my desire for your forgiveness and recovery.

DAPHNE

You know, I am feeling a bit better.

LILITH

Celebratory, then.

DAPHNE

I think I'd like that.

LILITH

Wonderful.

FRASIER RETURNS FROM HIS APARTMENT.

DAPHNE

Dr. Crane!

LILITH

(STANDING) Ah, Frasier. You're rested, I hope?

FRASIER

I am.

LILITH

I'm glad. It seems Daphne is recovering well. You said Niles would be coming soon?

FRASIER

Yes, returning a book.

LILITH 

And your agreement is still in effect?

FRASIER

Excuse me? 

LILITH 

You've become a less capable liar since the termination of our marriage. I know that our interaction is to be both closely monitored and far from you.

FRASIER

Yes, well, memory persists about your recent indiscretion --

LILITH

There's certainly reason to worry. I'll be on my way. In any case, I apologize for the lack of conversation. I assume I've given you sufficient material for your evening bit on my inhumanity?

FRASIER

Oh, you understand it's done of love.

LILITH

Yes, well. I'll be looking forward to our dinner on Wednesday. I'm sure your adoration will by then be nothing short of Austenian.

LILITH TURNS TO FACE DAPHNE, GIVING HER A SHORT NOD BEFORE SHE EXITS.

LILITH (CONT'D)

Daphne.

FADE OUT.

BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: "DIE GRÄFIN UND DIE DIRNE."[2]

FADE IN:

INT. CAFE NERVOSA - DAY

WE JOIN NILES AND ROZ MID-CONVERSATION, EACH ALREADY WITH THEIR COFFEE.

NILES

So, you've finally run out of men. I imagine the transition must be difficult for you, but Maris is a promising start.

ROZ

Better be careful saying that, Niles.

NILES

And why is that?

ROZ

You're kidding.

NILES

The terms of our separation forbid me from making more than three jokes regarding Maris in a twenty-four hour period. I'm rationing.

ROZ

So, you really don't know?

NILES

(IGNORING THIS) The divorce should dissolve the limitation. Of course, this assumes that the divorce is finalized, which seems less likely by the day.

ROZ

It'd be nice to be done with that, huh?

NILES

If you mean to suggest that this... intrigue of yours will hasten the proceedings, forgive me for being unconvinced.

ROZ

You think I haven't done it before?

NILES

Oh, no, talk of that has spread nearly as much as your -- Oh, too obvious. My point remains. Maris has already engaged in one marriage-ending affair, and you...

ROZ

Worth a shot, though, isn't it?

NILES

You want me to consider your pursuit of my wife a favor to me?

ROZ

If you can't be convinced, fine by me. Just thought you cared a little more about that pristine reputation of yours.

NILES

I'm sorry. Your fling is supposed to improve my reputation?

ROZ

Depends on how you think of improved. Rumor's out that one of you's gay, anyway. Figured it might be hard on your love life if you're out of bounds to...

ROZ THINKS ON THE APPROPRIATE ENDING TO THIS STATEMENT.

NILES

Women.

ROZ

Right.

NILES

I should really be on my way.

ROZ

Wednesday night?

NILES

Here. I'll call her right now. If she refuses, you'll know I gave it my best.

HE TAKES HIS CELL PHONE FROM HIS POCKET AND CALLS MARIS.

NILES (CONT'D)

Hello, Marta. Yes, I'm looking for Maris. Would she -- ? Oh, she's just about to start her afternoon meditation. I see. Would you please -- Yes, I realize it's dangerous, but it's important that I speak to her.

AS HE WAITS FOR MARIS TO ANSWER, NILES LOOKS TO ROZ AND INDICATES HIS SUCCESS.

NILES (CONT'D)

Maris? Yes, hello, I'm sorry to trouble you, but I had hoped -- Yes, I understand. That was actually what I wished to discuss. You see -- Yes. A woman. No. Oh, I don't know. Yes, very. No, I don't believe so. Wednesday evening. Yes. Yes? Oh, Maris, thank you! You won't regret this.

THE CALL ENDS, AND NILES RETURNS THE CELL PHONE TO HIS POCKET.

ROZ

Good news?

NILES

She's willing to consider it, given adherence to a few small regulations.

ROZ

And?

NILES

I'll have to ask Frasier.

FADE OUT.

BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: "C'EST UNE BUTCH DU MONDE."[3]

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

A KNOCK AT THE FRONT DOOR. FRASIER CROSSES THE ROOM TO ANSWER IT, AND NILES ENTERS.

FRASIER

Niles. I don't suppose you saw Lilith out there?

NILES

No, no, just Daphne, but if you're looking, she did mention meeting her.

FRASIER

Well, yes, but I'd hardly call it meeting.

NILES

You don't mean -- ?

FRASIER

What could you possibly think it is? I haven't told you anything.

NILES

I mean, you know, Lilith... Daphne...(MEANINGFULLY) Lilith.

FRASIER

I'm familiar.

NILES

Well, are they...?

FRASIER

For God's sake, will you say it?

NILES

No, no, I'm sure it was a mistake. What were you saying?

FRASIER

They ran into each other in the hallway, and Daphne passed out.

NILES

Oh! If only I'd been --

FRASIER

Stop. I'm not allowing you to finish that thought in my home.

NILES

I'm simply expressing my desire to help a woman in need. Is there really something so ignoble in that?

FRASIER

You were arriving there.

NILES

Well. You saw Lilith. How was that?

FRASIER

It seems she's taken to a new style of dress.

NILES

Oh?

FRASIER

Do you remember that suit you passed on for Frederick?

NILES

I don't see what that has to do with Lilith, but -- (REALIZING) She couldn't have worn that. It wouldn't have fit.

FRASIER

Because it was so appropriate for Frederick?

NILES

I suppose it was rather premature, but what else should I have done? I had hope that I wouldn't see her until it would fit him, but…

FRASIER

What, seven years?

NILES

Call me an optimist. I just can't believe she would wear it herself. (THEN) Wait, I'm sorry. Lilith was wearing a suit this morning?

FRASIER

Your suit, yes.

NILES

And you didn't know what I meant?

FRASIER

What you meant? What are you talking about?

NILES

They're meeting for coffee. You don't think Lilith's sudden change in appearance could signal something about her... intentions?

FRASIER

Her intentions? That backless dress was clever, but she can't possibly think she has a chance of seducing me while looking like a -- Like a --

NILES

Go on.

FRASIER

Like you.

NILES

There isn't anything else she resembles?

FRASIER

I know how much you'd like to believe in your likeness to Bobby Harron, but I'm sorry, Niles, I just don't see it.

NILES

You can only avoid the subject for so long.

FRASIER

Fine. I'm avoiding the subject. Would you just tell me what it is?

NILES

Well, Lilith... You really don't know? Well, no matter. It seems she may, ah, possess an affinity for women that is not wholly platonic in nature.

FRASIER

You're telling me that my ex-wife is a lesbian.

NILES

This can't be a surprise to you.

FRASIER

A surprise? I was married to the woman for six years.

Do you think I'm in the business of prolonging hopeless relationships?

NILES

Yes. Or somehow the last to know.

FRASIER

The last to know?

NILES

Is this not the woman who once claimed that her only associations with womanhood were, quote, "political and erotic"?

FRASIER

She'd been stopped at a rally.

NILES

You're sure it wasn't a parade?

FRASIER

I'm sure, thank you. You know, it really is absurd that she would come to this.

NILES

You may wish to keep that sentiment away from the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation.

FRASIER

The Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation? That has nothing to do with this.

NILES

They're cat-lovers, Frasier. You can't expect them to receive those kinds of comments positively.

FRASIER

Please. They’d never fall for such a blatant performance.

NILES

A performance? Oh, you really don’t believe it, do you?

FRASIER

Well, I just don't know what to believe. Every time she comes here, it's some new reason she's better off since our divorce. Next, I suppose she'll come with an entirely new face and tell me I was responsible for concealing her true self.

NILES

Speaking of, Maris has been in touch.

FRASIER

Oh?

NILES

I was hoping to join her for dinner Wednesday evening, but she insists upon a group. I don't suppose you'd be free?

FRASIER

As tempting as that is, I'm afraid Lilith and I have plans.

NILES

Well, you can't bring her. I may have forgiven her, but I still remember hearing Maris from across the hall after having awoken from a particularly vicious one of her night terrors.

FRASIER

And that was Lilith's doing?

NILES

Yes. She told me later that it was about our wedding. I can only presume it was Lilith's callous mockery that could have traumatized her.

FRASIER

How long ago was this?

NILES

Oh, not too long ago. We'd already been discussing all of this horrible business. Of course, I never thought it would happen, but I'm hoping this dinner will finally resolve things between us. How unforgiving could she be when love is at stake?

FRASIER

You are trying to help your case.

NILES

Oh, I know we laugh, but I'm sure even Lilith could understand the trouble I'm facing.

FRASIER

This is really that important to you?

NILES

Desperately.

FRASIER

I'll speak to Lilith.

FADE OUT.

BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: "THE LOVE RAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME."

FADE IN:

INT. CAFE NERVOSA - DAY

LILITH

Daphne, I have to apologize again for your brief incapacitation.

DAPHNE

Yes, well... It had to happen sooner or later, hadn't it?

LILITH

There's no need to be kind. Were this truly an eventuality, I would have some concern for your health.

DAPHNE

Oh, well, I have got a bit of an overactive thyroid, but that's all under control.

LILITH

If that's the case, perhaps you should speak with your physician about --

DAPHNE

No, no, that really won't be necessary.

LILITH

Of course. I overstep. It seems we know very little of each other.

DAPHNE

Yes, it does.

LILITH

You're uninterested in changing this.

DAPHNE

No, no, I -- I would like to, but it's hard to think of what to say, when you don't know someone. I mean, on a first date, I've got all sorts of questions, but you're...

LILITH

Yes?

DAPHNE

You're Lilith.

LILITH

So it seems.

DAPHNE

I don't mean to say there's any reason I wouldn't go on a date with you. Well, you are Dr. Crane's ex-wife, and we did have a bit of a time this morning, but there's nothing... Would you like me to ask one of the questions I'd ask on a date?

LILITH

Please.

DAPHNE

All right. If you were to come back as an animal, what sort of animal would you be?

LILITH

As charming an idea as that is, I don't understand how such a thing would be determined.

DAPHNE

Oh, I don't know. It's just the feeling you get. I always thought I'd be a rat. I know they've got a bit of a bad reputation, but that's all propaganda. Think it'd be nice, maybe a Berkshire Dumbo, velveteen maybe. Might be flattering myself a bit there, but I guess you never really know.

LILITH

You've thought about this.

DAPHNE

Oh, yes. You know, when I got my first few rats, couldn't believe how smart they were. That's really all it takes, I think, is meeting one.

LILITH

I wholeheartedly agree. I don't suppose you still keep them?

DAPHNE

No, not since moving, I'm afraid. Took me years to find good breeders back home.

LILITH

You haven't met Peter. He's selective with regard to his clientele, but, if you put together a brief history for me, I could certainly vouch for you. He thinks very highly of me.

DAPHNE

Thank you. (THEN) You know, when you mentioned Jane Austen... It's silly, really, because I know it was a joke, but... Did you ever read Emma?

LILITH

Some time ago. Perhaps you could remind me.

DAPHNE

Well, I was just thinking... You know.

LILITH

I'm afraid I don't.

DAPHNE

(QUOTING) "Why did we wait for anything?"

LILITH

You'll need to be more specific.

DAPHNE

"Why not seize the pleasure at once?"

LILITH LEANS ACROSS THE TABLE, NEARING DAPHNE.

DAPHNE

"How often is happiness destroyed by -- "

LILITH

"Preparation."

DAPHNE

You remember, then?

LILITH

Well enough to know that you've taken it terribly out of context.

DAPHNE

I have.

LILITH

This was intentional?

DAPHNE

It was. Suppose you know why?

LILITH

I suspect you wish to engage in -- What euphemism would you prefer?

DAPHNE

I wouldn't. I mean, I would, but you don't have to --

LILITH

I see.

DAPHNE

And you -- ?

LILITH

We'll need to maintain the appearance of cordiality.

DAPHNE

That's a yes, then?

LILITH

It is.

FADE OUT.

BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: "NO QUALS ABOUT IT."

FADE IN:

INT. LILITH'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY

A MINIMALLY ADORNED ROOM, ALMOST ENTIRELY WHITE. ONLY DAPHNE'S VIBRANT CLOTHING MARS THE SCENE, HASTILY THROWN TO THE FLOOR, CONTRASTED WITH LILITH'S MONOCHROMATIC SHIRT AND PANTS NEATLY FOLDED BESIDE THE PHONE ON THE NIGHTSTAND. PLAINLY POST-COITUS, DAPHNE AND LILITH LIE TOGETHER IN THE BED AT THE ROOM'S CENTER, ENTANGLED BUT AVOIDING CONVERSATION. DAPHNE GLANCES NERVOUSLY TOWARD LILITH. AFTER SEVERAL MORE LOOKS, LILITH FINALLY MEETS HER GAZE.

DAPHNE

I haven't been staring at you this whole time, if you thought I was.

LILITH

Why would I expect you to stare at me?

DAPHNE

Oh, I don't know. Something people do, isn't it, staring? Not something I do, mind you, but you wouldn't know that yet, so I thought I might clarify, or else you might think I do.

LILITH

(STRUGGLING TO FOLLOW) And that was your clarification?

DAPHNE

Oh, I'm so glad you understand.

DAPHNE LEANS AGAINST THE HEADBOARD, AWAITING A RESPONSE, THEN LOSES PATIENCE.

DAPHNE

You know, I've never had sex with a woman before.

LILITH

I see. (THEN) It's a first time for us both.

DAPHNE

Really? I hope you don't mind my saying, but I never would have thought with the way you...

DAPHNE GESTURES TO INDICATE JUST WHAT SHE MEANS, EASILY OBSCENE WERE IT NOT HALF-FORMED AT BEST. AS THEY SPEAK, DAPHNE STANDS UP, COLLECTS HER CLOTHING FROM THE FLOOR, AND GETS DRESSED.

LILITH

I've never had sex with anyone without a PhD.

DAPHNE

You haven't?

LILITH

Hadn't. Unless I missed your defense. You hadn't?

DAPHNE

Which was that?

LILITH

Defended your thesis.

DAPHNE

Oh, I've never been a PhD candidate.

LILITH

A little joke of mine. I was inquiring about your previous statement.

DAPHNE

Oh, yes. Well, I suppose it would be present tense the way Dr. Crane talks about you, but no.

TASK COMPLETED, DAPHNE SITS ON THE BED, FACING AWAY FROM LILITH.

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

All that time surrounded by men, and you hardly have to do anything for one to be interested. Not to mention how much harder it is to even find women like us, let alone normal ones.

LILITH

Ah. In that regard, you remain unsatisfied. That is, if you're still listening to Frasier.

AT THIS, DAPHNE STANDS, THEN TURNS TO FACE LILITH.

DAPHNE

I didn't mean any offense. You know, I never sleep with someone on the first date either, but I did that today as well, because -- Oh, never mind that. Think you'd like to do this again sometime?

LILITH

I'm here through Friday.

DAPHNE

Long trip. Usually it's only a couple of days you're here.

LILITH

If your invitation was one of courtesy alone, it may serve you to remember --

DAPHNE

No, no, I'd --

LILITH

If you believe what you hear, I don't have feelings to be hurt.

DAPHNE

Well, I can't go on believing everything, can I? (THEN) I ran into Dr. Crane on my way out earlier. Not the way I ran into you, of course, trying to keep it to one corridor crash a day now, but, he told me something else about you.

LILITH

I can imagine.

DAPHNE

Told me not to expect an apology. D'you know what that meant?

LILITH

Something childish, surely. You didn't ask him yourself?

DAPHNE

Didn't think to, was already running late. I have got to apologize to you, though.

LILITH

Oh?

DAPHNE

Yes, I'm afraid -- Well, you know, this afternoon... I'm afraid I may have... It's always what happens with a man. Decides he's done before you're so much as halfway there.

LILITH

Daphne --

DAPHNE

And, mind you, it's not because I didn't want to return the favor, but you'd just... And then as soon as you... I...

LILITH

It may help to recall that I was present for this event.

DAPHNE

See, that's why I'm so embarrassed. You were there, and I fell dead asleep. Just like a man.

LILITH

My sexual history aside, I can assure you that this would not have transpired were that the case.

DAPHNE

Well, maybe not just like, but you did give them up for a reason, and I can't imagine it was to put all the work in and never get anything out of it.

LILITH

I did agree to see you again.

DAPHNE

Suppose I owe you, then.

LILITH

I'm aware that you may not be wholly familiar with such an experience, but --

DAPHNE

I know, it's no excuse.

LILITH

If you allow me to finish --

DAPHNE

I can, you know. And not just let, either. I've had plenty of time to pick up a bit myself.

LILITH

You miss my point. Have you considered that it's nothing to excuse?

DAPHNE

You don't mean...?

LILITH

I do.

DAPHNE

My god, I should've started this years ago.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: "IN OTHER WORDS...."

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

DAPHNE, WEARING A SILK ROBE, EATS A CHOCOLATE-COVERED STRAWBERRY, HUMMING "FLY ME TO THE MOON" TO HERSELF. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR STARTLES DAPHNE JUST AS SHE MAKES HER WAY TOWARD HER BEDROOM. BEFORE SHE CAN REACH THE DOOR, NILES HAS ALREADY STARTED OPENING IT.

NILES

Forgive my intrusion, but, when I called earlier, I couldn't help but notice you sounded different, and I had to make sure you were all right.

DAPHNE

Oh, it's nothing to worry over. I suppose I've been a bit off since Monday, but I'm sure it'll be gone before the week's out.

NILES

Your headaches, of course! Lilith's had you in bed all week, hasn't she?

DAPHNE

Yes, I suppose she has.

NILES

(DRIFTING) Keeping you up all hours of the night...

DAPHNE

Yes, she has...

NILES

You know, Daphne, I could always speak to her about --

DAPHNE

(URGENTLY) No! (THEN) I mean, that really won't be necessary, Dr. Crane.

NILES

It wouldn't be any trouble.

DAPHNE

Well, that's very gallant of you, but sleep's probably my best option right now, so I'll just be...

DAPHNE STARTS ONCE MORE TOWARD HER ROOM, WALKING BACKWARD, AND NILES FOLLOWS.

NILES

You know, why don't I come with you? It's a very long hallway. Another fainting spell could be disastrous.

AT THIS, DAPHNE STOPS WALKING, AND NILES FOLLOWS, STOPPING FAR CLOSER TO HER THAN HE BEGAN.

DAPHNE

Oh, no, I'll be fine. Better to rely on myself anyhow.

NILES

No, don't be silly! I'd be glad to help.

DAPHNE RESUMES WALKING, FORWARD THIS TIME.

DAPHNE

Please, Dr. Crane, I really can manage on my own, so if you'd just--

AS NILES SPEAKS, SHE QUICKENS HER PACE.

NILES

I can't leave you in good conscience, please, let me --

DAPHNE, WITH SEVERAL GREAT STRIDES, ARRIVES AT HER BEDROOM DOOR AND PRESSES HER BACK AGAINST IT.

DAPHNE

Ah, well, here we are. Record time. Suppose you really were a help to me.

DAPHNE TURNS THE DOORKNOB AND SLOWLY BEGINS TO OPEN IT.

NILES

Oh, you've exhausted yourself, allow me --

IN A FLASH, DAPHNE SLIPS THROUGH THE DOOR AND SHUTS IT BEHIND HER.

DAPHNE (O.C.)

Well, goodnight, then!

NILES

Goodnight.

INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

LILITH

You shouldn't be rushing through doors so hastily, given our history.

DAPHNE

Hardly my fault, though, is it?

LILITH

As flattering as I find your eagerness, some restraint would --

DAPHNE

Dr. Crane was here.

LILITH

That was your concern?

DAPHNE

Well, isn't that worrying to you?

LILITH

Niles? He's hardly in a position to criticize either of us.

DAPHNE

And that's stopped him before? If Dr. Crane finds out, he'll tell Dr. Crane, and I'll have to explain to both of them why I'm...

LILITH

Yes?

DAPHNE

That's just what I mean. I don't even know what I'm doing. I mean, I know what we're doing, but I don't know what it is. D'you know what I mean?

LILITH

Should I?

DAPHNE

I told you I never had sex on the first date, and I went and did it anyway, and now we're right where we should've been before, but --

LILITH

Where is that?

DAPHNE

Where's what?

LILITH

Where we should have been.

DAPHNE

I mean, it's just me, really, but, you know. Trying to figure all of it out.

LILITH

All of what?

DAPHNE

You can't just keep asking me questions without answering any of mine.

LILITH

What answers would you like from me?

DAPHNE

See, there you go again. I mean, I know it's in the job description, but I'm not one of your patients, and I don't care to be treated as one.

LILITH

Of course not. I'm simply -- In my previous -- and I use this term in its broadest sense -- relationships, it seems I've had something of a pattern of... a lack of understanding. I wish to remedy that.

DAPHNE

We're calling this a relationship?

LILITH

In its broadest sense, yes.

DAPHNE

And the narrower one?

LILITH

No.

DAPHNE

Oh, thank God.

LILITH

Thank you.

DAPHNE

I don't mean -- I mean, you were the one to say --

LILITH

My ego is hardly so fragile. And that returns us to Frasier. Your concern is that he learns of these developments?

DAPHNE

Yes. You're not worried about that?

LILITH

I doubt whether any of my sexual pursuits could further lessen his respect for me in that regard.

DAPHNE

Right.

LILITH

It's splendidly archetypal. Of course, I'd expect a Freudian to be more conscious of his blatant madonna-whore complex, but I suppose Frasier has never been one for self-awareness.

DAPHNE

I know it's not my place, but he does love you. Course, not in quite the best way, but I think a part of him looks forward to having you here.

LILITH

If it was his hourly countdown to convince you, I'm afraid the sort of anticipation is of a different kind.

DAPHNE

No, no, I just mean... I can see why the two of you were married. I know that's a bit strange of me to say, with you in my bed and all, but it's true. Not many people who can match him where he's comfortable.

LILITH

You're being kind again.

DAPHNE

Am I?

DAPHNE KISSES HER. DISTANTLY, WE HEAR THE FRONT DOOR OPENING.

FRASIER (O.C.)

Daphne?

LILITH

I need to leave.

DAPHNE

He's not going to come in here, if that's what you're worried about. Bit of a rule of ours for a few years now.

LILITH STARTS TO SPEAK, BUT FRASIER'S VOICE, NOW CLEARER, INTERRUPTS.

FRASIER (O.C.)

Is there anything I could get you? I ran into Niles, and he was convinced your headaches had gotten worse.

LILITH

You should answer him.

DAPHNE

No, no, I'm asleep. Have to stay consistent.

LILITH

Ah. So, you won't be able to leave your room.

DAPHNE

Not for an hour or two, no. 

LILITH

And you won't be able to shower?

DAPHNE

No.

LILITH

And all of this is until when?

DAPHNE

Well, figured Dr. Crane's going to dinner, so -- Oh. That's with you, isn't it?

LILITH

Yes. In two hours.

DAPHNE

I see.

LILITH

Do you hear -- ?

DAPHNE

Yes, that's him.

LILITH

He's preening.

DAPHNE

Well, go on. I don't mean to rush you, but I don't want to get caught in another explanation.

LILITH

Of course. If you could -- We should have taken more care. Are my -- ?

DAPHNE

Right here.

DAPHNE TOSSES A PILE OF CLOTHING NEAR THE DOOR TO THE BED.

LILITH

And my -- ?

DAPHNE

Your side.

LILITH REACHES TO THE FLOOR FOR HER SHIRT.

LILITH

Thank you.

LILITH FINISHES GETTING DRESSED, THEN REFASHIONS HER BUN.

DAPHNE

Are you ready?

LILITH

Yes. I'll see you tomorrow night?

DAPHNE

Yes, but you can't walk out there on your own. How would you have gotten in without someone?

LILITH

I didn't intend to be seen.

DAPHNE

Yes, well, intentions don't mean much. Come on.

DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AND GESTURES FOR LILITH TO EXIT. SHE DOES SO, AND DAPHNE FOLLOWS.

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE AND LILITH MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE DOOR, SILENT, AND LILITH SUCCESSFULLY EXITS THE APARTMENT. DAPHNE WAITS IN THE DOORWAY.

INT. HALLWAY OF FRASIER'S BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

LILITH PRESSES THE ELEVATOR'S DOWN BUTTON.

LILITH

If you'll forgive my unwillingness to repeat this incident, perhaps it would be best if you come to my hotel tomorrow.

THE ELEVATOR ARRIVES, AND ITS DOORS SLIDE OPEN, REVEALING ROZ.

ROZ

Lilith?

ROZ STEPS OUT OF THE ELEVATOR, BUT LILITH DOES NOT STEP IN.

LILITH

Hello...

ROZ

Roz.

LILITH

I recall. I was merely surprised by your arrival this evening.

DAPHNE

You know, I'm a bit surprised, too.

ROZ

Daphne! Oh, thank God. There was something I needed to talk to Niles about.

LILITH

This is Frasier's apartment.

ROZ

Gee, and to think I'd been going here for six years. He said he was heading here, so I figured it was easier to catch him now than deal with that creep of a doorman at the Montana.

DAPHNE

You're going to have to anyway, I'm afraid. Left a while ago.

ROZ

Guess I could ask Frasier, if --

DAPHNE

No, er, he's a bit busy at the moment. In fact, that's just why Lilith's on her way out.

LILITH

Yes. I, much like you, am unfamiliar with the practice of calling a residence prior to my arrival, and was disappointed to find that Frasier was indisposed.

ROZ

Right. (THEN) So, going down?

LILITH

Yes.

DAPHNE

Roz! I don't know what you think --

LILITH 

First floor, too, I assume? 

DAPHNE

You're doing, not stopping in to say hello.

ROZ

It's kind of a -- Did Niles say where he was going?

DAPHNE

You know, he was probably going back home. What is it you want to ask him about anyway?

THE ELEVATOR RETURNS.

DAPHNE

Ah, well, if you have to be off, that's that.

THE THREE EXCHANGE GOODBYES, AND LILITH AND ROZ ENTER THE ELEVATOR.

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS

ROZ

Frasier told me you were having dinner later tonight.

LILITH

Yes, we are.

ROZ

And you decided to come here two hours early?

LILITH

Yes, I did.

ROZ

I was asking why.

LILITH

I'm not sure that it's wise to ask that question, being, as you are, in a similar position.

ROZ

So, you don't have an explanation.

LILITH

I have nothing to explain. I was visiting.

ROZ

So, how's Daphne?

LILITH

We didn't speak.

ROZ

You were visiting.

LILITH

I was visiting Frasier.

ROZ

Wouldn't have been leaving if you were talking to him.

LILITH

I intended to visit him.

ROZ

You left.

LILITH

That is correct.

ROZ

Daphne seems pretty healthy for someone who's been in bed the past two days.

LILITH

How fortunate of her.

THE ELEVATOR REACHES ITS DESTINATION.

LILITH (CONT'D)

It's been a pleasure.

FADE OUT.

BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: "DON'T DRESS FOR DINNER."[5]

FADE IN:

INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

DAPHNE, HUMMING AGAIN, LAYS OUT A SELECTION OF DRESSES ON HER BED. EACH TIME SHE PICKS UP ONE OF THE DRESSES, SHE HOLDS IT UP TO HERSELF FOR CONSIDERATION. SHE REPEATS THE PROCESS WITH TWO OF THE DRESSES, SETTLING ON THE SECOND.

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

FRASIER, NILES, AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE HALLWAY, MID-CONVERSATION.

ROZ

How long were you going to keep it from me that Daphne and Lilith were sleeping together, anyway?

NILES

Excuse me?

ROZ

What, they're not? Some coincidence, both of them finally getting laid in the same week when they're spending all that time together.

NILES

Please! This is nothing more than a pathetic attempt at satisfying your need for some kind of sexual balancing of accounts. How you would even know such a --

FRASIER

When hasn't she known, Niles?

ROZ

Come to think of it, Niles, all that's left is you, and that makes every sex-starved shut-in in Seattle.

NILES

(SHOCKED) Daphne?

ROZ

You haven't heard her policy?

NILES

Oh, her policy! Her policy? I -- Well, I know that I know it, but perhaps Frasier, for the sake of understanding --

FRASIER

For God's sake, if this is true, I have news for you about that policy, Niles: It categorically excludes you.

NILES

If you're referring to my sex, it's entirely possible that she's interested in --

FRASIER

(IGNORING HIM) But Daphne, a lesbian, well -- I can understand Lilith --

NILES

Hold on.

FRASIER

Yes?

NILES

The last I spoke with you, you were insistent that Lilith was simply performing as such in an assertion of her continued dominance over you. Your dinner can't have been enough to override such --

FRASIER

Is this the time? Daphne could be falling prey to the same seduction that has engulfed two too many of this family already.

ROZ

Hold on.

FRASIER

Yes?

ROZ

Is it really appropriate for you to be speculating about Daphne's sexuality?

FRASIER

(DEFENSIVE) It's appropriate for you!

ROZ

It's not speculation, and I'm not her boss.

FRASIER

And why isn't it speculation?

NILES

She wasn't -- ?

ROZ

God, no. Look, maybe I shouldn't have brought it up.

NILES

But now that you have, from a strictly academic perspective...

ROZ

Fine. Whatever you plan on getting from this, go ahead. You're clearly desperate enough.

NILES

I am.

ROZ

Well, you can't tell me you haven't seen her.

NILES

As a matter of fact, I have. Why, just yesterday, I came to check in on her. Practically at death's door.

She was barely dressed and desperate to get to get back to bed. She could hardly walk, let alone --

FRASIER

Niles.

NILES

I'm sorry, I think I may need to sit down.

FRASIER

As pleasant as whatever you're imagining must be for that deluded head of yours, you can't actually believe that Daphne would have undergone a conversion --

NILES

Roz did.

FRASIER

Yes, well, Roz isn't -- Excuse me?

ROZ

Great job keeping up that deal.

NILES

I'd hardly call it a deal when --

ROZ

Yeah, some deal not getting Maris within --

NILES

It was really more of a favor, so really --

FRASIER

Maris?

DAPHNE ENTERS, WEARING A ROBE AND DRESS SHOES, AND THE CONVERSATION HALTS.

DAPHNE

Hello, all.

FRASIER, NILES, AND ROZ SHARE AN EXTENDED LOOK, UNSURE OF HOW TO PROCEED.

FRASIER

(CAUTIOUSLY) Daphne.

DAPHNE

Would you mind telling me what you've been arguing about, when, for all I can remember, you were meant to be at dinner for, what, another three hours?

FRASIER

Well, you see, Daphne, Maris couldn't make it, and -- (REALIZING) Roz?

ROZ

Yes, Frasier, Maris couldn't make it, and they wouldn't seat us without a fourth member of the party, so I --

NILES

Entered into a battle of wits with the maître d', which, naturally, she lost, forcing us to retreat.

ROZ

Right. And because Niles -- Oh, well, you know Niles, Daphne. Such a fragile --

NILES

My delicate constitution has nothing to do with this!

ROZ

Oh, right. Because of Niles's inhuman strength, he couldn't make it home without stopping back here, and I wasn't about to miss out on a night that crazy, so... here we are.

DAPHNE

And what was all the shouting for?

FRASIER

Daphne, are you sleeping with Lilith?

DAPHNE

Are you really asking me that?

NILES

Of course not.

ROZ

I am.

DAPHNE

Well, if you really want to know the answer, go ahead. Search my room. Call her. Whatever you like. Seems my word isn’t good enough around here anymore, so go on. See for yourselves.

FRASIER CALLS LILITH AND WALKS AWAY. BEFORE HE EXITS, WE HEAR HIM ADDRESS HER.

FRASIER

Fräulein Geschwitz.[4]

DAPHNE

Geschwitz?

NILES

Oh, just an overdue joke of his.

DAPHNE

I understood. Just a bit soon, isn't it?

NILES

Daphne, I am so sorry for these vicious attacks on your privacy.

DAPHNE

No, no. I heard you shouting, too, Dr. Crane, and if that’s what this was about, go ahead.

NILES, NEEDING NO FURTHER ENCOURAGEMENT, BOLTS OFFSCREEN TO DAPHNE’S ROOM, AND ROZ SETTLES INTO THE COUCH.

ROZ

So, you and Lilith.

DAPHNE

You can't be serious.

ROZ

Who else are you wearing those shoes for?

DAPHNE

I'm breaking them in.

ROZ

Right. And you're testing out that lipstick to see if it really does last twelve hours.

DAPHNE

I am! And even if it were for someone, I don't know what makes you think it would be her.

ROZ

Come on. She's got those legs... Those hands. That whole air of superiority. And you only see her once a year. She's the perfect man.

DAPHNE

Well, that's just it, isn't it?

ROZ

What, that she's a woman?

DAPHNE

It wouldn't be for you?

ROZ

It'd be different.

DAPHNE

Bit of an understatement, that.

ROZ

Could be. You haven't said no.

DAPHNE

You haven't asked me anything.

ROZ

Then ask me.

DAPHNE

If you're sleeping with Lilith?

FRASIER REENTERS, JUST CATCHING THE END OF THE SENTENCE.

FRASIER

Roz?

ROZ

Take it you got ahold of Lilith?

FRASIER

Yes. I didn't expect to say the same of you, but if that's where you've turned your preferences, I can't say -- 

ROZ

God, it's always me, huh? What, Lilith told you I was her fling?

FRASIER

She didn't tell me anything. In fact, I've never heard her laugh so much, save that -- Well, it's no matter what.

ROZ

She laughed?

FRASIER

Well, it was some sort of mangled sound, but, yes, I believe so.

DAPHNE

You can leave her be sometimes, you know.

FRASIER

Daphne?

DAPHNE

What? Just because you can't show a little empathy to someone who's not sleeping with you doesn't mean none of us can. You know, for a psychiatrist, you really ought to --

NILES REENTERS, CUTTING HER SHORT.

NILES

(BREATHLESS) I found a tie!

DAPHNE

A tie?

NILES

Yes. Your closet.

DAPHNE

And just what were you doing there?

NILES

I had to look everywhere. For integrity's sake, of course. And I know that the closet might be a bit on the nose given circumstance, but you can never be too thorough, so I opened it, and there it was.

DAPHNE

And that's supposed to prove something.

NILES

Well, perhaps not prove, but --

DAPHNE

You do know I do the laundry here.

NILES

Yes, but this tie is dry-clean only!

DAPHNE

That argument follows, may as well be sleeping with you.

NILES

Oh. I, ah, I suppose -- Is that -- ? Yes, that -- That makes sense. Thank you, Daphne. I hadn't considered... just how many people... Well, if you'll excuse me, I really should be getting home.

DAPHNE

No, stay, if you're that much more comfortable here than I am. You know, I just might spend a day or two on my own. Remember what it feels like.

FRASIER

Daphne, please --

DAPHNE

No, no, I'm just going to have to take a night or two to myself, come back when I'm feeling a bit more a person around here.

FRASIER

Daphne, we didn't -- Even if you were, we wouldn't -- It was Lilith!

DAPHNE EXITS, SLAMMING THE DOOR.

INT. LILITH'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

LILITH SITS IN BED, READING ORLANDO, UNTIL SHE IS INTERRUPTED BY A KNOCK. SHE MARKS THE PAGE, THEN GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR. UPON ITS OPENING, WE SEE DAPHNE, DRESSED TO THE NINES, CARRYING HER ROBE.

LILITH

Daphne. I appreciate your punctuality. I admit, I cannot fully appreciate your choice in outerwear this evening, but I haven't kept up with women's fashions for some time. Is this...?

DAPHNE

Oh, no. It's a bit of a long story, really, but if I could just leave it here, we can be on our way.

LILITH

Of course. My jacket will suffice?

DAPHNE

More than. Though you are missing a tie.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. CAFE NERVOSA - DAY

BEGIN CREDITS

AS DAPHNE SITS OPPOSITE ROZ, DETAILING LILITH'S SEXUAL PROWESS WITH WILD GESTURES. ROZ SLIDES DAPHNE A PEN AND NAPKIN, AND DAPHNE ILLUSTRATES THE SCENE. ROZ LEANS ACROSS THE TABLE, WATCHING INTENTLY.

END CREDITS

FADE OUT.

## 

**Author's Note:**

> 1 As in Henry James’s _The Bostonians_. [return to text]  
> 2 As in the final scene of Arthur Schnitzler's  _Reigen_  (also very often published as  _La Ronde_  in English), but with both nouns in the feminine. [return to text]  
> 3 As in Georges Feydeau's  _C'est une femme du monde._ [return to text]  
> 4 Of Frank Wedekind's Lulu plays ( _Earth Spirit_  and  _Pandora's Box_ ). I'm here thinking especially of Alban Berg's adaptation,  _Lulu_.[return to text]  
> 5 As in Marc Camoletti's  _Pyjama Pour Six._ [return to text]  
> 


End file.
